home # one

It's been an eventful weekend. On Friday night, I met Lillian at Brusters, and the two of us went to a concert. There were about 10 bands there, playing various styles of music. Drew and Dreu played, but it was before we made it there. As far as Lillian is concerned, I thought that the night went pretty well. We had a decent connection in the car, when she told me about her dad, and their special songs. She seemed to be laughing and having a good time. The one thing that bothers me is that when I reached over to hold her hand, she really wasn't interested in it. She barely even gave me a goodnight hug. I think it seems reasonable to say that If she was really into me, then I would have at least received a decent hug. After all the time that we've spent talking and sharing, I guess the two of us should feel a lot closer, and maybe that's the problem. I can never put my finger on what's going on inside of her. And, when you can't do that with an emotional girl, you haven't got a chance.

On Saturday, Drew and I went to the coffee shop in the morning. From there, we went to Goodwill, and walked around Salem. Later on, Drew came back to my house, and we went to the mall, Best Buy, and Cici’s Pizzeria in Boardman. Shortly after we got back from Boardman, Drew got a call from some friends who were having a party/bonfire. We went over there and hung out for awhile. Ultimately, I fell asleep about 6:00AM on Sunday morning.

Awhile later, around 8:00AM Sunday, I woke up to say goodbye to mom, who’s going to Florida for a week. She spent the four hours between when I woke up and when she left, yelling at me and trying to make me feel about myself for not "helping" her with things more. The problem there is that I do help out, and was helping out while she was yelling at me. Secondly, many of the things that she wants help with don’t immediately need to be done. When it comes to housework, my philosophy is do what needs done, but don’t go looking for projects. She has exactly the opposite philosophy. When she was about to leave, she also got mad because I didn’t make a big show of saying goodbye. The thing is, I wanted her to leave. She’d been "ripping my head off" for the past four hours. It’s hard to be sad about someone going in that situation. I love my mother, but it’s difficult to be understanding all of the time. She can be pretty crazy.

After saying goodbye to my mother (not a remorseful goodbye in this case) I got a call from Kristen that Renee was having a Forth of July party. This was a really good thing. After a terrible morning, I really needed to be around some of my closest friends. It's been over a month since i've seen Renee, and much longer yet, since I've seen either Jenny or Nick. Nick brought Lillian. I'm glad that she was there. Renee was the first (and only) girl that I've ever loved, and she will always be the girl that I let get away, when I shouldn't have. I met Renee's fiance, Jeremy, and was struck by how much he reminded me of myself. He seems basically honest and good, and I wish the two of them above and beyond my very best.

At the party, Kristen's boyfriend Nate, was giving her a hard time about the amount that she drank. He was doing this by threatening to make her leave, and/or taking her car home while leaving there. The situation was made worse by the alcohol, which heightened the emotions involved. I ended up cuddling with kristen, hand-in-hand, foreheads together, on the couch for awhile. That might be the closest I've ever felt to her. For someone I've known since fifth grade, and someone I've did almost everything with in high school, that saying something.

I let Kristen and Nate go home together alone and had Lillian take me home. I remember riding in the back of her car, with nick upfront, all "rolly polly". Come to think of it, that must have been the effect of the alcohol.